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13 January 2011 @ 04:16 am
fic: she left her heart in georgia.  


Title:
she left her heart in georgia.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Nothing major
Pairing: implied Damon/Elena. Stefan-centric
Summary: Someday she'll figure it out.
Author's Notes: It seems I am not capable of writing decent fic for any fandom that's new to me. I however persist in writing. Freud probably has a complex for that. Also, I find it really interesting how insecure Stefan is, even though Elena always chooses him and seems to think there IS nothing to choose against.





It's like a constant pounding at the back of his head. A rhythm of their names beating a hole into his skull. It's absurd, it's ridiculous, it's insane, but mostly, it's true.




-



It's somewhere in the beginning, or maybe they've already reached the middle and he wasn't paying attention, but she asks about Katherine a lot and he doesn't know why.

Mostly it's little things, like how she used to talk and what she used to wear, and when he describes it, he can almost hear the sound of the bodice as it falls off, the rustle of skin against sheets, her laugh and her eyes and the whole world, his words heavy with all the things he doesn't say. Because he can't tell her everything, he won't.

But sometimes, she asks other things, like how Katherine looked like when she made love and there's a curious vulnerability in her voice, like she thinks she's not good enough to compare, like it actually fucking makes a difference to anything in the world how good Katherine was at love-making. And he has to make himself remember she's seventeen and all she knows about love is probably from Cosmo quizzes. And then he remembers he's a hundred and sixty to her seventeen and it really, really sucks.

"She made Damon fall in love. She has to have been really good in bed. I bet that's Damon's definition of love, endless sex or something."

She says it softly, without inflection, like she couldn't care less and he knows it's because she's thinking it and trying not to think it.

But then she adds in snarky little comments about Damon ever actually being able to love anything other than the mirror and it's ended before it even started. She doesn't look at him though, and all he can think of is how badly he wants her to look at him, goddammit, look at him.



-



She isn't in love with Damon. Most days, he knows that. Some days, he doesn't.



-



Damon enters the room when they're together a lot of times. It's so often that there's almost an established act for it, with each sequence in meticulous order adding to the whole comedy, or tragedy, or whatever their genre is really.

It goes like this- they both tell him to get out and he looks at the sheet covering her indifferently and tells her he's seen it all before, and he stays, and that's curtain call. And sometimes Stefan thinks he'll make the obvious point about how Damon's seen it all before and yet he's still always in their room, looking at her, but then this'll be real. And he needs it to not be real.

"Did Katherine ever do that?"

Her hands almost clamp over her mouth like she can't believe she actually said it. Thought it.

"Did what?" Damon looks at her, like he's asking for the sake of it. But the kicker is; he's not. It's Elena and he's not.

"Nothing," she says and sinks lower in the sheets.

"The three of us, together," he answers for her, because he knows. In the middle of Klaus and werewolves and all the things that'll never be normal for her again, he knows it's important. He probably knows why it's important, but he won't think it out, he can't think it out. He's not that brave. Not the hero he seems when Damon does his patent devil act and shoves a halo at him to do the Good Brother/Bad Brother routine they've been playing at since a century and over.

"Why Elena," Damon switches on 'bastard' almost automatically, maybe he should look away though, his eyes aren't as good at this game of charades as his voice, "if you wanted a ménage à trios, all you had to do was ask, you needn't do the virginal seduction thing, I promise I'm easy."

She rises up then, and maybe it means something that she's never uncomfortable around his brother, that she's never felt the need to cover up, hide beneath the sheets, but it's not a meaning he's planning on looking up in a dictionary any time soon, "god, you jerk."

She glares at Damon and all he can think is— he'll never have that. He has her body, and her love and her, but he'll never have the anger, the steel, the fire. Stefan has almost everything and always seems to end up wanting more. He'd like to think it's the Ripper in him, this insatiable need to have everything, but it's not. There's no Ripper. There never has been any Ripper. A rose by any other name--

"No," Damon says abruptly, "no, we didn't. Ever."

And later, much later, when he's gone, she looks at him, tired, vulnerable, "I'm not Katherine, Stefan."

He doesn't answer, because he doesn't even know what the question is. On some days it's too much effort to have his eyes wide shut and his heart on auto-pilot. Some days it's just not worth it.



-



There are times when he thinks he shouldn't notice, that he's not going to be that kind of a boyfriend. But he is, and he does notice, so well, there's that.



-



She kisses him a lot more when Damon's around. It's not planned, and he knows that because he knows her. It's instinctive, like she's trying to prove something to someone. Maybe him, maybe Damon, maybe herself, he doesn't know.

Sometimes it's for him. Because she can tell, it's not like he's been subtle about his issues with them. But mostly it's for Damon, he thinks. Mostly it's after Damon messes up spectacularly and then makes one of his cheap jokes at her expense and doesn't know when to back down.

She kisses him hard then, in front of Damon, because she thinks he needs to see she's with someone else, or maybe she just wants to hurt him. It feels different those times, like a taste of second hand fire, while his brother stands in front of the car, watching him watching them.

He turns away mostly, and Stefan thinks he knows that feeling, wanting her with every second breath that he doesn't need to take. It's a very familiar feeling actually. It's the same feeling that's clawing its way through his throat. Maybe there's irony that he should be laughing at in this, because seriously, who's winning here again?



-



He dreams about them and it's not Damon or Katherine manipulating him, it's just him and his twisted mind and the what ifs.



-



It doesn't start or end or anything actually. It's a bit like history repeating with Technicolor and surround sound. Katherine chose him. Elena's choosing him. But sometimes he watches her, twisting her necklace in her hand, carefully holding herself out of Damon's gravity, and he wants to tell her that she's trying too hard.

But he won't tell her, not today, not now, not at this moment. Maybe she'll figure it out on her own; someday she'll understand that she's trying so hard to not be Katherine, she's almost not Elena.

Today he'll let her kiss him and prove whatever she wants to whomever she wants. Maybe tomorrow.

 
 
Current Mood: boredbored
 
 
 
Melody Pond.disquietus on January 13th, 2011 12:28 am (UTC)
This is absolutely brilliant.
youcallitwinter: dcsmileyoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:15 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it :)
Bogwitchbogwitch on January 13th, 2011 12:41 am (UTC)
Ooh lovely, crunchy and angsty. I only wish there was more!
youcallitwinter: quinnyoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:16 am (UTC)
There should have been, I know! It's actually so random and incomplete because I couldn't think of what to write and so in utter frustration I just stopped, haha. Thank you :)
(no subject) - bogwitch on January 13th, 2011 08:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
onetraveller: Nianonetraveller on January 13th, 2011 01:46 am (UTC)
oh this is so beautiful and heartbreaking! I'm really picky with what fic I read in tv fandoms because it's not as easy to get their voice, but this I really liked!
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:19 am (UTC)
I agree so much with that. It's just really hard to get them right, I think. I honestly can't write fic in which Damon/Elena get together because I won't be able to imagine it canonically happening till it does. They've such a long way to go, but I'm sure the ride's going to be all slow and angsty and fun :P Thank you!
(no subject) - onetraveller on January 13th, 2011 10:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Maevemarble_rose on January 13th, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)
This was exceptional. I'm so tired of all the fics that vilify Stefan to get him out of the way for Damon/Elena. That's not in character. I'm so happy I got something much more in character out of this fic. Just, I can absolutely see Stefan having these thoughts and insecurities. Very insightful.
youcallitwinter: roomyoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:24 am (UTC)
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. I mostly ship 'doomed' ships/uncanon pairings, but I honestly can't stand it when the actual ship is torn down for no other reason than to get the characters together. I think that makes the relationship...I dunno, less? Like Damon/Elena can only happen if Stefan went all psychotic and violent. I don't think that, I want to see D/E happening even when Stefan's perfect for her, because she can't help it.
Thank you :)
damon_s_86damon_s_86 on January 13th, 2011 07:12 am (UTC)
I can't help but notice how both his hands hold hers with such care. Like your story the gesture is beautiful.
youcallitwinter: selena bwyoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:28 am (UTC)
Aww, thank you! ALSO, SO MUCH ICON LOVE. I can't wait for 'The Descent' seriously!
(no subject) - damon_s_86 on January 13th, 2011 07:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 07:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - damon_s_86 on January 13th, 2011 08:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mridul777 on July 20th, 2011 01:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - damon_s_86 on July 20th, 2011 04:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
aww thank you for noticing! - mridul777 on July 20th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 20th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - mridul777 on July 20th, 2011 07:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 20th, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - mridul777 on July 21st, 2011 07:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 21st, 2011 12:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - damon_s_86 on July 20th, 2011 06:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - damon_s_86 on July 20th, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 20th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - damon_s_86 on July 20th, 2011 09:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 20th, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - damon_s_86 on July 20th, 2011 09:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - youcallitwinter on July 21st, 2011 12:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: aww thank you for noticing! - damon_s_86 on July 21st, 2011 01:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
vik⋅tor⋅e⋅uh: tvd 'damon/elena(katherine)-lipslikemorpsoutherncharmfa on January 13th, 2011 09:38 am (UTC)
This so so lovely. I'm not always a huge Stefan fan so I didn't know what to expect but I ended up just absolutely loving how you got inside his head. It was really insightful and really natural and so perfectly in character for him that it just made everything else really believable. I'm seriously just in love with this fic, it was absolutely beautiful.
youcallitwinter: damon/elenayoucallitwinter on January 13th, 2011 09:59 am (UTC)
I'm never a Stefan fan actually, but I love how he always thinks there's something there- like the time when Elena'd gone to meet Katherine and he thought Caroline wasn't telling him because she was with Damon. The insecurity and jealousies are lovely really :) And it adds to Damon's belief that Elena is lying to him, Stefan and herself.
Thank you so much, really nice of you!
(no subject) - southerncharmfa on January 14th, 2011 07:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on January 15th, 2011 12:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
jane_wanderlustjane_wanderlust on January 13th, 2011 05:50 pm (UTC)
Holy shit.

This was perfect.
I have a thing, as you know, with realism...and THIS?! As good as it gets.
AND WRITING IT FROM STEFAN'S POINT OF VIEW?

Girl.
GENIUS.

Because we know Stefan does have those heavy moments of whataretheydoing insecurities. The show incorporates his doubts and concerns into the storylines so well; even though, ironically, he's the one that always gets the girl...as you pointed out.
At least seemingly on the outside.

But holy fuck.
Sorry, I get really inappropriate and sailor-ish when I'm excited.
And I'm excited.

The way you used him as a lens to view the progression/repression of Damon and Elena's relationship was just lovely.
And although he has his moments - I'm not a huge Stefan lover.

But getting inside his head?
Perfect.

I love this.
I could go on and on but I'm at work and hey, this is totally productive in my mind.....

Anyway.
WRITE MORE.
MORRRRE.
Always.

Ok thanks.
<3
youcallitwinter: ian2youcallitwinter on January 15th, 2011 11:02 am (UTC)
YOUR COMMENT JUST MADE MY DAY. Seriously, I’m lying here all feverish and aching, but every time I read this, it makes me smile :)
Oddly enough, I like Stefan a LOT more now, after watching interviews of Paul, Nina and Ian. Paul is actually kind of hilarious and all kinds of fun and he’s so aware of his character (best thing is, someone asked him the usual “Stefan or Damon” question, and he totally went “Damon”, haha). Because Paul realizes his character’s completely whipped. I suppose while girls love to fantasize about guys like this- guys who’ll “take care” of them and love them till eternity, I can’t imagine it’s a whole lot of fun for a guy playing this character. I seem to remember even Robert Pattinson had very choice words/insults for Edward Cullen.
But honestly, I do love, love, love how insecure Stefan is, and even more so because he has no reason to be. It’s not like Damon stole Katherine from him, in which case his doubts would be understandable. So the only reason is that he genuinely sees something there. Like the rest of us. :P Elena’s the only one denying it completely, while even her boyfriend can see it. I hope there’s a lot more Stefan jealousy in the future episodes, next best thing to actual Delena.
Thank you! <3
cerysthemenacecerysthemenace on January 13th, 2011 06:54 pm (UTC)
This is freaking fantastic. Bloody well done.
youcallitwinter: ianyoucallitwinter on January 15th, 2011 11:11 am (UTC)
Your icon has such pretty coloring! Also, thanks so much, I'm glad you thought so :)
mrs. believe: → nina; thumbs up.ohneonheart on January 14th, 2011 03:04 am (UTC)
This was brilliant, breathtaking. It left me some weight in my chest. Amazing job!
youcallitwinter: damon/elenayoucallitwinter on January 15th, 2011 11:13 am (UTC)
I appreciate that, If someone thinks about a fic even a few seconds after they've finished reading, it makes the writing of it fun :)
Brainzz_Insanee: Elenabrainzz_insanee on January 14th, 2011 05:36 pm (UTC)
Gorgeous! Absolutely lovely! :D It felt so real! I just wanted it to keep going. I can't get over how you did it in Stefan's POV and got inside of his head perfectly. Awesome seeing the dynamic between Damon/Elena through Stefan...and how you portrayed his insecurities was spot-on.
youcallitwinter: readingyoucallitwinter on January 15th, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
Haha, I suppose I cheated a little, since the thing about writing from Stefan's POV is that you can add in all the D/E you want and make it sound "canon" since you can always argue it's all in Stefan's head!
Thanks so much :)
(no subject) - brainzz_insanee on January 15th, 2011 10:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on January 30th, 2011 07:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brainzz_insanee on January 30th, 2011 02:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
illuminanted: D&Eilluminanted on January 28th, 2011 08:39 pm (UTC)
This is amazing! Very well written and most importantly in character!
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on January 30th, 2011 07:29 am (UTC)
Hearing 'in-character' always makes me happy, thank you! Since it has no plot, no story, no anything, character's all that's left really :)
Silvia Kundera: TVD-ot3-promosilviakundera on January 30th, 2011 08:27 am (UTC)
Very well done Stefan POV - his insecurities are very believable, as well as his decision to keep them silent and buried.
youcallitwinter: youcallitwinter on February 1st, 2011 05:11 pm (UTC)
I think Stefan wouldn't actually want to say anything out loud because he'd be too afraid that it'd get 'real'. He can pretend it's all in his head but once it's out there, there'd be no taking it back- much like Damon's confession, which is why he probably used the compulsion. Thanks :)
Azmiri Sultana Mridulmridul777 on July 20th, 2011 02:01 pm (UTC)
The best thing about this story is that, its like a documentary, as in it documents everything that's absolutely obvious and right in front of our eyes, like a true story.

Stefan tries so hard to hold Elena close, but he can totally SEE that without doing much of anything, Damon and Elena gets close, in almost weird ways. Ways he may never be able to experience.

This is Good!
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on July 20th, 2011 05:02 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks so much! It was my first (and only, till now) time using Stefan's POV and it's fun to try and find out where the insecurities come in from and what he feels about D/E. I know what Elena feels and what Damon feels, but what Stefan feels (specifically about his brother and his girlfriend) is a bit of a mystery. I'd love to see an exploration of that on the show.
Florencia: DE (Gone with the Wind)florencia7 on July 20th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
That was SO amazing. If there is a language in which heart speaks it's your writing style. You capture all subtleties of feelings with such skill. It's breathtaking.

Awesome fic.
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on July 21st, 2011 12:11 pm (UTC)
You're so wonderful with words even in reviews; thanks so much <33 I LOVE seeing how other people see Damon/Elena!
Gabby: nina purplegabby227 on July 21st, 2011 09:31 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOUR FICS. So much. This one is so good.

And I really like the line used in the summary. I know it's just for the fic, but still...I can see it.
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on July 22nd, 2011 12:35 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks a lot <33 And I think Elena might be resisting Damon a lot more than she would have (even though he has done some pretty terrible stuff, so who knows) because she doesn't want to be 'like Katherine', but maybe it is possible to love them both (OT3!) even as just Elena. THIS SHOW, MY BRAIN, GONE.
(no subject) - gabby227 on July 22nd, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Dulcedecorumestdulcedeusex on August 11th, 2011 01:29 am (UTC)
One word. Gorgeous. This was just... Like watching the show again with new eyes. Sooo good, and you did all three of them justice.
youcallitwinteryoucallitwinter on August 11th, 2011 06:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, I adore my OT3, it's the only logical conclusion really, as much as I ship DE and the show's made me like Stefan a lot, therefore. And I think his POV on DE is fun to imagine! Thanks so much :D