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06 May 2013 @ 03:06 am
[fic] you can't save anyone  
it's like I'm physically incapable of seeing a vm prompt and not filling it ugh. especially when I have work, double ugh. But I swear this is the last thing for the longest time (it has to be, external contingencies demand it) and on the plus side, it's not long either. I'm getting better at being awful \o/ This has random sprinkling of italicized Margaret Atwood in it, though. I think it's the gorgeous ficathon title that reminded me. Also, how is this poem not L/V considering that we've had a "can we stop being so hard on each other" in canon. I mean, if i love you, is that a fact or a weapon. SERIOUSLY.

3

you can't save anyone
veronica mars | veronica; veronica/logan | r | 1/1
written for you think i'm not a goddess? try me.
she doesn't think she is seventeen anymore.



i exist in two places
here, and where you are.




i.

It takes her about thirteen minutes into a bottle of scotch to realize this is a bad idea.

“Veronica Mars,” her name drawled out, a catch, nothing more, “honoring the memory of your mum, then?”

He’s drunk too, obviously. Her mother is as well, somewhere, probably.

“What do you want Logan.” it is not a question. She does not ask questions she does not know the answers to.

She doesn’t mean to sound. Tired.

He looks at her far too long, far too open. She looks away first. She doesn’t mean to do that either.



ii.

If she’s judging the day by the things he says, she can never quite tell what time-frame they’re in.

It could be now; it could be two years before. It could be all the times in between.

I think I loved you.

She wouldn’t have dared to love before Lilly. Or during Lilly.

Oh, Lilly. There’s a bright, flaring ache in the center of her chest. It’s after Lilly, then.

That would be an admission if he could read her mind.



iii.

“Past tense.” His smile is ugly; feral and wild and broken. She didn't do this to him. She couldn't have.

“What?”

“Loved,” a stress on the last syllable, “past tense. Present perfect. Grammatical rules. Something like that.”

She hadn’t realized she’d said it out loud.

Dully. “If you’d bothered to show up for English once in a while, you might know.”



iv.

The problem is; she has loved him lots of times. It doesn't narrow it down.

The first time he kissed her and the next time he kissed her and there's something to be said about being seventeen and in love in the summer.

There's a lot more to be said about being seventeen and believing this is what love is.

She doesn't think she is seventeen anymore.



v.

His knuckles are bruised, she notices dimly. He's bleeding on the table. And it could be any of those times before. It could be a few times after that she's missed.

"Good night?" she asks, sharp, cutting, "you've had the time of your life?"

Everytime I've dreamed of this moment, no one writes songs about. There is something wrong with the words, but he's the one good with his tongue. She's good with her feet. The running away.

"Apart from being inside you, the best." low.

She flushes because he always does this, and he grins. It could be twelve with her knee-socks, but he's dirtier and she can't be twelve.

His hand brushes hers, she pulls hers back, abruptly.

She can feel his fingerprints all over her, inside her. It is after summer then. The second summer. She knows the planes of his chest under her hands. She knows the weight of a loaded gun and fury.

In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.

She doesn't know why summer is their time.



vi.

"I've never," a pause, "fallen in love with a cold, heartless bitch."

He drinks.

"That's not how you play." she may be slurring her words, but she knows this. This is sense memory and Lilly's brightness and LoganandLilly and the best day of her life. "Don't be the cavalry and the martyr." This is sense memory and the coldness in his eyes and the worst day of her life.

He raises his glass in acknowledgment, "I've never fallen out of love with a cold, heartless bitch."

She waits two beats, he doesn't drink.



vii.

"How is the boyfriend?" snidely.

Duncan or Piz. But Piz is after Logan is after Duncan is after Logan is after Duncan. Duncan is the number sequence on her mirror, Piz is the list of songs on her playlist. Logan is. Logan is.

When I am lonely for boys, it is their bodies I miss. She read that last night. Highlighted it, perhaps. Deconstructed it, even.

"How is the girlfriend?" she shoots back.

"The one who left me because I'm in love with you? Or the other one who left me because I'm in love with you?"

"Present continuous." she says. She is after Lilly. She is after Hannah. She is after Parker. She is the after. He is the middle and the going back. That is sad.

"Sorry I broke your heart," she says. This could be a lot of times before.



viii.

She gives up.

"When are we?" she asks, instead.


He only laughs. A brush of his bruised knuckle against her jaw. She closes her eyes.

"Does it matter?"

She can feel his blood sinking into her skin.



ix.

Take me to your trees. Take me to your breakfasts, your sunsets, your bad dreams, your shoes, your nouns. Take me to your fingers.

She does not like that line. She didn't like it yesterday, and she doesn't like it today. There is too much want in it, too much need. She doesn't need anyone.

You never need anything.

He walks away, slow, measured; doesn't look back. She knows because she does.



x.

It's dark outside, it's always dark outside. Her hands are clammy against the neck of the bottle.

She says, "I've never."

And drinks.
 
 
gemmacranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:09 am (UTC)
Ahhhh
youcallitwinter: repeated image of the lovers destroyedyoucallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:11 am (UTC)
SCREAM AT ME. (But lol, you sure have cypticity down pat ;)
gemmacranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:13 am (UTC)
Okay third time lucky because apparently I am not authorised to reply to this entry - what cheek, LJ! (I legit thought you'd defriended me for a moment and cried tears of blood)! D:

I am in Hyde Park... On my phone.... So I will be back to actually read this BUT when do your exams finish? Don't go awaaaaaay (or at least more away!) :P
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 12:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 03:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 06:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 06:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 09:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 09:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 7th, 2013 01:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 05:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 7th, 2013 06:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
gemmacranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:14 am (UTC)
LOLZ I TOTALLY WILL!!!
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 03:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 06:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 08:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 09:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 09:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 6th, 2013 11:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 09:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 7th, 2013 12:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
treblebethtreblebeth on May 6th, 2013 05:04 pm (UTC)
holy crap. I was not in the mood for emotions this morning but now I have them and they are spilling all over the place.

that poem is so fucking perfect for them. I could say more but instead I'm going to reread the poem and this whole thing five more times while wallowing to the angsty V/L playlist on my computer.

(I hope your definition of long time is like a week, because you've totally spoiled us now)
youcallitwinter: to better counter-act his charm attackyoucallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 06:32 pm (UTC)
I was not in the mood for writing, and then somehow my baser instincts took over. I should really be alarmed at how much self-control I do not have. D:

But YES, I love this poem for them, and the title alone is pretty much canon. Also the fact that you have an angsty V/L playlist makes you pretty freaking awesome.

(I am so dead right now, thank you for your kind words, it makes me feel like I didn't entirely waste my time!)
treblebethtreblebeth on May 6th, 2013 07:19 pm (UTC)
Oh I have an angst V/L playlist for each season because sometimes I like to be sad. and sometimes I just like to listen to Sway on repeat. which is totally normal.

I'm pretty sure a stranger would be confused and slightly terrified of my itunes set up.
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - treblebeth on May 6th, 2013 08:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 7th, 2013 12:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 05:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranmers on May 7th, 2013 06:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - youcallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 07:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Florencia: DE (4x07) (Happy)florencia7 on May 6th, 2013 08:51 pm (UTC)
I have no idea who these people are, but after 4 months of being deprived of the possibility to read your writing I couldn't care less.

THIS IS AMAZING. Your writing style is OUT OF THIS WORLD. I love it sooooooooo much. I honestly feel more alive after reading a fic written by you. THANK YOU.

youcallitwinter: what I gave is yours to keep.youcallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:40 pm (UTC)
YOU ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY WHENEVER YOU SHOW UP <3 But also, I have no idea who these people are, you should totally watch Veronica Mars whenever you get the time, it's stunning. And I'm sure you'll ship this (pretty much everyone in fandom does, it's beautiful and strange. This is literally my actual OTP.)

Also, you're just much too nice, HOW DO YOU EVEN SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD, thanks so much! ♥
catteo: [vm]veronica reflections of youcatteo on May 6th, 2013 09:41 pm (UTC)
WHAT IS THIS AND WHY MUST YOU BREAK MY HEART SO?!??!!!!

Which is to say that I love it. The theme of the two of them being lost in this timeline of the people that they have loved is beautiful. The imagery is exquisite and the way that Logan is always just so very Logan about things is fabulous. I love the part where he's playing 'I have never' for an audience of one. Oh Logan, don't ever change.

KEEP ON WRITING. If you're looking for people to tell you to stop then you're looking in the wrong place!
youcallitwinter: welcome to the hotel californiayoucallitwinter on May 6th, 2013 11:44 pm (UTC)
WHAT IS THIS.

YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE TBQH.

Logan is always so much fun to write, whether it's in his head or Logan-from-the-outside; just, such a fun character given his snark and theatrics and melodrama and that face and arms everything. I do like when he's all "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE" to Veronica in general, haha.

If you're looking for people to tell you to stop then you're looking in the wrong place!

♥ I genuinely feel a little ~guilty about posting so much. Like, I know that makes no logical sense, but somehow I just feel like PEOPLE FEEL OBLIGED TO READ OMG ETC. I have a very strange thought process, hee.
Noelle: Veronica Mars - LoVespuffy_noelle on May 7th, 2013 12:34 am (UTC)
Um, don't ever stop writing these two? Kthnxbye.
youcallitwinter: bad moon risingyoucallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 08:01 am (UTC)
Considering I've been doing this like I'm getting paid for it, not anytime soon /headdesk
ever_neutral: [vm] logan + veronica = bloodshedever_neutral on May 7th, 2013 10:34 am (UTC)
Okay. You deserve a dozen in-depth analytical comments with quotations and the like to all of your fic, but suffice it to say that I for one would be quite happy reading your Logan/Veronica forever. You never need anything, ugh.

You may continue.
youcallitwinter: and my eyes are wide openyoucallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
You may continue.

Considering that I have some 10 drafts lying about, I might just take you up on that, haha.

You never need anything.

ugh, yes. FAVORITE. But also, I don't know, I loved that scene not only because I love that she doesn't need anything (role reversal ahoy), but because I think that moving beyond the trauma and damage would also mean it being okay to trust, and maybe even need. That is why L/V works for me so much, because they try when they're together. KIDS <3
youcallitwinter: an everlasting smileyoucallitwinter on May 7th, 2013 05:12 pm (UTC)
ALSO, I just posted this in a thread above and I don't know if you've already seen it but:



THE LOST COMPOSITION, ALEX. I already love it so much and I remember it playing over so many gorgeous, heartbreaking scenes in the show, and the fact that there's a Logan/Veronica video to it, just.
(no subject) - ever_neutral on May 8th, 2013 10:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
Nikka: (tv/sherlock) we're on a hunt for the maaoza on May 14th, 2013 10:53 am (UTC)
ah, the angst/drama that is this couple..............
youcallitwinter: no more than a dream remembered.youcallitwinter on May 14th, 2013 06:05 pm (UTC)
Favorite forever, basically, haha.
Nikka: (tv/vmars) we spell l-o-v-eaoza on May 15th, 2013 07:13 am (UTC)
Ugh. Mine too.
(Anonymous) on May 21st, 2013 03:24 pm (UTC)
Damn you're good!! More, I want more!
youcallitwinter: there is such a lot of world to see.youcallitwinter on May 21st, 2013 05:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you, haha, there probably WILL be more, can't seem to stop writing them!
jesterlady: VMLoVecolorsjesterlady on May 27th, 2013 06:28 am (UTC)
This is one of the most beautifully painful things ever. Exquisite job.
youcallitwinter: all we know is distanceyoucallitwinter on May 28th, 2013 05:29 pm (UTC)
guh, look at those two be so much into each other in your icon <3 Thanks a lot!
jesterlady: VMLoVecartoonjesterlady on May 29th, 2013 01:56 am (UTC)
I know, right?! :)
LiveJournal: pingback_botlivejournal on January 1st, 2014 09:45 am (UTC)
slow down so i can follow you
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