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06 June 2014 @ 03:01 pm
[fic] caught up in your love affair  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISHI. \o/ Dedicated to your flawless totally correct choices. Also, I am much lmao@Bob Morley clearly shipping the hell out of Raven/Bellamy. Also, I must be certifiable. No more fic ever. I don't have a Bellamy POV planned which needs to hopefully be better because Raven-from-the-outside. And I just can't understand it, there is no fic for them AT ALL and are you fucking kidding me right now, fandom. I know only, like, two people are interested in this, but then again, I've also written jihoo/jandi and sebastian/rachel/blaine fic, and, well.



caught up in your love affair
the 100. indefinite period post 1x11. raven/bellamy, unrequited raven/finn, finn, clarke. r
Sleeping with Bellamy was strange in a way that sleeping with Finn isn’t.





I do not speak, but when I do, I am not afraid my eyes have shown too much.
I have not
wrapped myself completely around what you think of me.
I have never
been persuaded to love without condoms.
I never called it love when it
should have been called penis.
Called it love when it should have been
called lonely.
Called it love when it should have been called trying-too-
hard.

Never imagined the sky was a goal we could accomplish.






She doesn’t actually notice it’s becoming a ‘thing’ like the next time she looks up and her gaze automatically lands on his hands. Again. Like they’ve started exerting a goddamned gravitational pull on their own since they slept together.

And when he turns, and catches her, again, there’s this one moment when she thinks of looking away, but the moment passes and she still hasn’t looked away, so.

“What?” His face on the expression spectrum falls beyond neutrality. Unreadable, almost. She’s kind of impressed. This is usually her sandpit.

“Nothing.”

When she does look back down, he doesn’t resume hammering, which means he’s either still staring, or, well, that he’s not still staring. That scenario reads a probability of one, and she likes certainty. Uncertainty is floating through space in an unequipped metal box, and look where that landed her.

“You do that a lot,” he observes, “have you noticed.”

It’s not a question, so she just flips him off, and that’s when it— oh.



-



Sleeping with Bellamy was strange in a way that sleeping with Finn isn’t. She’s used to Finn; Finn is family, Finn is easy, Finn is habit.

Getting familiarized to another body, having to catalogue an entire different set of reactions, an entirely different set of pressure points, an entirely different gaze is way more effort than it should be.

“God, you’re so fucking—” he says at one point, low, looking straight up at her, his hands still moving, and the blind panic that’s been caught somewhere in the center of her chest the entire time, ever since she realized that Finn and Clarke weren't going to come back that night, threatens to spill over; ugly and raw and wanting and dammit, she hates messes.

Shut up.”

He shuts up, which is such a relief, she’s nearly light-headed with it.



-



That’s when it gets ridiculous.

“You’re doing it deliberately,” she says bluntly, when he picks his tools up for the sixth time in five days, and holds them in a way that borders on the indecent, caressing, almost, “and you’re fooling yourself into thinking this is subtlety, but it’s not.”

He shrugs, “stop looking.”

“I have functional eyes,” she say, and this argument really isn’t an argument at all, but it’s better than shutting up and having to deal with the charged silence, “I can’t stop looking.”

He leans against the work-table, like he’s waiting for her to— something. She has no idea what.

“Didn’t you mother ever sing that song to you when you were little,” she busies herself with the third bullet, “the one about how you can’t always get what you want. It survived more years than we’ll be alive, pretty sure there’s a life-lesson in there somewhere.”

It’s off the left field, and she’s not sure what the conversation is about anymore; sex, sure, but not entirely. He isn’t fazed, though, which is that annoying The Man Who Would Be King side of him. He's not even particularly good at it, but he's good enough at pretending, so you can't catch the difference if you aren't looking hard enough and she's--

“It’s what you take from the song,” he leans further back, and the streak of insolence she’d noticed the minute she set eyes on him, is unmistakable now, hardened into something bordering on casual intimacy. She doesn't like that, “I always thought the whole point was that sometimes? You get what you want.”



-



She has so much impractical information about him in her head right now; the way he tilts his head when he’s about to come, the exact calculation of both his pulse and his heartbeat, the sound of his throat scraped raw, that it’s probably pushing out the actually important, self-preservation, survival skills that she needs to stay alive and fuck her life. She’s literally and figuratively going to get screwed over because of two guys. Somehow, in the middle of being self-sufficient and smart enough to know better, she’s also the kind of person who jumps into a metal box in search of her true love and then fucks her loneliness away when said true love isn’t true or, you know, in love with her at all, and just fuck her life.



-



“If you want,” Finn and Clarke are standing by the fire, laughing, Clarke’s hair nearly glowing in the half-light. She can’t help the momentary jealousy and the derogatory princess under her breath, because she’s not awful, yeah, but she’s not an exceptionally nice person either, “to have sex with me, just say it.”

“I want,” he’s sitting next to her in the shadows and she can't remember if it was always like this or it's new, and she doesn't particularly want to. He's still swallowing from the flask, occasionally, throat moving, and she can remember him like this, even if she doesn’t particularly want to, “for you to want me."

"Like you haven't slept with half the camp," she snorts, and can't help her hand convulsively tightening into a fist, nails digging into her palm, when Finn leans down to whisper something in Clarke's ear.

She can feel the material of his jacket shift, where his arm is pressed against hers, as he raises it to take another swig, "guilty."

She thinks about that for a moment. The fact that she just slept with a guy who's probably slept with all the other girls within a twenty feet distance from her. That she wasn't anything special even to the only other guy she's slept with apart from the guy she loved, the guy who apparently thought she wasn't worth waiting ten days for.

Finds she doesn't care particularly, and lets it go. Special is overrated, she gets by fine enough without being it. She can fucking make bombs out of tin cans without being it, and that has to count for something.

“You can’t control what I want,” she says, finally, tries to not look at Finn and succeeds almost, which is success all on its own, or at least, she’s calling it that, so screw the rest, “you can only control what you want. So good luck starting there.”

“Which is why,” he says, like it’s an answer, which it’s not, if only technically, because nobody asked any questions, and she’s getting tired of him having all the answers to questions she's not asking, “I just want you to want it. I’m not physically manifesting it into being by wanting. You can’t control what I want.”

Which is so fucking stupid, it almost makes her forget what the question was.

“That’s quite a vocabulary for a janitor,” she manages, sarcastically, and honestly, she means it to sting, wants it to sting. Double check-mark the ‘not nice’ slot.

He just tips his flask towards her in a mock toast, “that’s quite a pair of claws for a raven.”



-



It happens again, of course. It’s been leading, and she’s smart enough to read both the text and the subtext.

There’s this moment, after, when she can’t find her bra, which makes her irrationally angry because that’s five more minutes than she absolutely needs to be here.

“if you stayed longer than five minutes,” his voice calls from behind, somewhere on the bed, still with his hands crossed beneath his head probably, undressed, sheet still on the ground, the way he was the last she looked at him, five minutes ago, “I promise not to make meaning out of it.”

She finds it, half hidden beneath a pile of his clothes, and shoves it in her pocket, "you're secretly the kind of person who mistakes accidents for fate, aren't you."

"And you," he says, "are the kind of person who mistakes systematic planning for accidents."

It makes her smile, almost, and she doesn't mean that, honestly.



-



It's been days since the third time, and she can't remember when she last saw him not surrounded by his minions. Which is good, because she has work to do anyway. He’s just passing her on his way out, not even looking at her, too engrossed in the group handling the targets.

“Did it help?”

It's the third time he's asking, and he's still not looking at her and fact is, she really should say no again, always; the bar’s set for release, not comfort.

But she hates information she can't use cluttering up her head, so, well.

“Ask me tomorrow," instead.

He laughs.
 
 
 
Florencia: Reading (Damon)florencia7 on June 7th, 2014 11:19 pm (UTC)
I have no clue who these people are but THIS FIC IS AMAZING! Your writing just pulls the reader right into the story. It's mesmerizing, and so unique, every line just feels like it's BRAND NEW, like you're inventing the language every time you write something. Wonderful fic ♥

Edited at 2014-06-07 11:19 pm (UTC)
youcallitwinter: be your teenage dream tonightyoucallitwinter on June 10th, 2014 11:30 am (UTC)
Thank you so much <3 This was mostly just a passion project because no one ships this, but I'm so, so glad you liked it!! And you're just ridiculously kind to me as always ♥
love kickstarts again: 100: king and queen of the castlemiss_blanche on June 8th, 2014 04:29 am (UTC)
I really liked this! I like how Raven's reactions are defined by Finn and this, Sleeping with Bellamy was strange in a way that sleeping with Finn isn’t. She’s used to Finn; Finn is family, Finn is easy, Finn is habit. I really liked how much of a reaction Raven got to Finn in the show and that little line "I haven't been with anyone but Finn." It made me appreciate that scene so much more, I'm not sure why. Maybe I like the direct comparison of Bellamy and Finn because Finn is such a bore. Maybe I like the idea of Raven shamelessly using Bellamy in order to get over Finn and something being born out of that. I have no idea. My brain.

Also your icon.. It be such pretty, pretty sex.
youcallitwinter: all you touch and all you see.youcallitwinter on June 10th, 2014 11:48 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I feel like fandom castigating Raven for being so affected by Finn that she'd sleep with Bellamy to try and ease how hurt she is, is just ????? SHE JUMPED INTO SPACE IN A METAL BOX WITH NO SAFETY PRECAUTIONS TO BE WITH THE GUY, does that NOT give you an idea about what he meant to her, fandom?!

But I TOO loved how much of Raven sleeping with Bellamy was about Finn and how she probably chose Bellamy, because she knew he wouldn't care (except I think the scene made it clear that he didn't not care either.) I love how she used him and he tried to say that he wasn't taking advantage of the situation. ugh, I ship this so much, why do I always choose things that give me nothing but pain. I do hope something is born out of it though, AND THAT THEY DON'T KILL RAVEN OFF TOMORROW DD:

UGH FINN. He's boring, not hot, and such a douche. Why, show.

Also your icon.. It be such pretty, pretty sex.

ww4 ww5 ww6

where are the lies.
love kickstarts again: 100: king and queen of the castlemiss_blanche on June 11th, 2014 01:37 pm (UTC)
I feel like fandom castigating Raven for being so affected by Finn that she'd sleep with Bellamy to try and ease how hurt she is, is just ?????

It is very ??? and also ://// I actually really bought into Raven's attachment to Finn, for exactly the reason you pointed out and many others. I thought her devastation was completely believable/reasonable. I actually thought it was beyond the realm of normal TV where bad things are usually glossed over in approximately 3 minutes, lolll.

The more fics I read (including your latest/the latest you recced) the more sucked into this ship I get it. I feel like this: why do I always choose things that give me nothing but pain is extremely reflective of how I felt upon realising early on that I shipped Clarke/Bellamy, like the predictable idiot I am, but I've got to admit, it has taken a bit of a backseat with everything going on in those goddamn gifs. Those goddamn gifs. I think at this point what I want is Clarke and Bellamy platonically bossing everyone around while Bellamy continues to have outrageous sex with Raven (with ~~~feelings~~~ being born out of it). Surely that's not too much to ask, right?
youcallitwinter: some say the world will.youcallitwinter on June 11th, 2014 03:51 pm (UTC)
I did too! I mean I could't understand it much, because Finn (ugh), but I bought that it was a thing. She's attached to him in the way that Bellamy is to Octavia, because she considers Finn her only family. And I like that she tried to be okay, but she wasn't. Fandom's idea of 'strong women' who are okay and ~badass no matter what happens is severely limiting.

The more fics I read (including your latest/the latest you recced) the more sucked into this ship I get it.

OH MAN, I would feel so terrible getting someone to shift over from Bellamy/Clarke to Bellamy/Raven, because your life would be so much happier with the former. Why did you think they'd give you pain though, there's so much fandom activity for Bellarke- fic, fanvids, gifs etc. The reason I felt my OTP would give me pain is because the vast majority of fandom hates it, which means no fic etc. And I'm fairly sure Bellamy/Clarke is going to happen because that fandom is pretty loud about its preference.

I am wishing I shipped it though, honestly. Fandom life is so much easier and much more fun in shipping popular things. That's why Veronica Mars has been the best ever because everyone loves my favorites and my OTP. But otherwise, I am the patron saint ships that are not only inevitably doomed, but also everyone hates. :|

I think at this point what I want is Clarke and Bellamy platonically bossing everyone around while Bellamy continues to have outrageous sex with Raven (with ~~~feelings~~~ being born out of it). Surely that's not too much to ask, right?

THAT IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED. Also, because their sex scene was beautiful, there was so much subtext to it, in their interactions, the way Raven was blindly pushing forward, while Bellamy was cautiously holding back and assessing her. I was shipping them from the moment they first met, but that scene just raised it to pathological levels. Here have more of it bcz why not. PLZ LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR STUPID FACES AND STUPID EVERYTHING.

r1 r2
r3 r4
r5 r6
r7 r8
Myramidnightblack07 on July 7th, 2014 03:35 am (UTC)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME WITH ALL THIS WONDERFUL FIC?!?!

GUUH THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING I CAN SAY THAT WILL ADEQUATELY EXPRESS HOW MUCH LOVE I HAVE FOR THIS.

Flailing over Raven watching Bellamy's hands (gotta say, can't blame her a bit really), Bellamy admitting that he wants her to want him and her deflecting, THIS LINE:

Finds she doesn't care particularly, and lets it go. Special is overrated, she gets by fine enough without being it. She can fucking make bombs out of tin cans without being it, and that has to count for something.

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO CLUTCH HER MORE THAN I ALREADY DO D:

Really, just BEAUTIFULLY DONE (as usual) all around <333
catteo: [100]bellamy leader of the bandcatteo on July 9th, 2014 07:41 am (UTC)
I am very much a plus one in my enjoyment of everything that this fic chooses to be. Also A+ gif usage in the comments here. I HAVE OTHER FIC TO WRITE GODDAMIT AND NOW I CANNOT GET THESE TWO OUT OF MY HEAD.

I love the whole entire section where they're watching Finn and Clarke talk and there's all this subtext and they're just awful to each other BUT IT'S SUBTEXT AND REALLY THEY CARE. And I'm hoping and praying that Bob is campaigning HARD for Bellamy/Raven S2. BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE NOT?!
harlighquinn on July 11th, 2014 12:09 am (UTC)
Love this comment and hope for that too.

Bellamy x Raven just do it for me. (and apparently each other)
Ishi-chanishi_chan on July 18th, 2014 06:53 pm (UTC)
OMG OMG OMG I AM SUCH A SHIT I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT GETTING BACK TO YOU ON THIS SOONER PLEASE FORGIVE ME ;___;

I was putting it off until I had enough time to enjoy it stress-free but then stress ate me up and I forgut

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME

ALSO THIS FIC IS AWESOME I AM WEEPING ;_____; I love this ship so much in all their angst and abrasiveness

“You’re doing it deliberately,” she says bluntly, when he picks his tools up for the sixth time in five days, and holds them in a way that borders on the indecent, caressing, almost, “and you’re fooling yourself into thinking this is subtlety, but it’s not.”

Thank you for this image that is now permanently seared into my brain. Seriously, thank you, it's a great image tbh.

AND CAN I JUST SAY THAT I LOVE THAT SHE CALLS HIM A JANITOR AGAIN???? LOL Everytime I hear about this it makes me crave Ark!Fic for them, even if it*'s just a random 1 minute interaction in the hallway. JUST

people deliberately putting their fingers on other people's emotional wounds for whatever reason or whatever tone --> SHIP KINK

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS FOR ME <3 AGAIN, I TOTALLY DON'T DESERVE IT I'M SO SORRY. BUT I LOVED IT AND I ALSO LOVED YOUR OTHER FIC ON AO3 AND ALSO IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE WHY DO THESE TWO CHARACTERS EXIST